I Just Found Out My Partner Cheated. What Should I Do First?
If you have just discovered your partner's infidelity or sexual betrayal, you do not need to figure out the future of your relationship today. Your first priority is safety and stabilization. Focus on helping your body and mind through the immediate shock before making major decisions about what comes next.
What Is Betrayal Trauma?
This particular kind of trauma creates a painful dilemma because the person you depend on for attachment, support, and care has also become the source of harm and pain. This can leave you in what is sometimes referred to as a “betrayal bind,” where you may at once want to be close to and seek comfort from, while also wanting to get away from and feeling harmed by, the person who has betrayed you.
Many people who experience betrayal after discovering their partner’s infidelity, pornography use, or other sexual acting out feel like an earthquake has hit. Life splits into before and after.
The moment of discovery—when you learn of a partner’s deception and the harm it has caused—can feel like a shattering of the reality you thought you knew. People are often shocked by the intensity of their reactions to betrayal. Yet these intense responses make perfect sense.
Betrayal Trauma After Discovering a Partner’s Pornography Use
Discovering a partner’s hidden pornography use can create a profound sense of betrayal. For some people, the secrecy, deception, and discovery of sexual behaviours they did not know about can shatter their sense of safety and their understanding of the relationship.
You may find yourself questioning what was real, wondering what else you don’t know, comparing yourself to what your partner has viewed, or feeling an intense need to search for more information. These responses can be part of the same betrayal trauma response described above.
How Betrayal Trauma Affects the Brain and Body
In the first days and weeks after discovering a relational betrayal, our minds and bodies can feel shattered. Betrayal can have physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual consequences.
In the days and weeks after betrayal, our bodies and brains are often in a traumatic response. We may not be able to access the full scope of our executive functioning because we are experiencing fight, flight, or freeze, that is, hypervigilant, or hypovigilant responses.
The most important thing we can do right now is increase safety and stability in whatever ways are possible and bring soothing to our brains and bodies.
Common Betrayal Trauma Symptoms After Infidelity or other Sexual Betrayal
When we have a traumatic response to relational betrayal, a host of responses are common. We may shake uncontrollably, feel nauseous, have little appetite or an increased desire to eat, cry uncontrollably, feel extreme anger, or feel nothing at all. We may have difficulty sleeping or sleep more than usual. We may struggle to concentrate, feel confused or forgetful, experience racing thoughts, feel panicked or anxious, or find ourselves constantly looking for more information. We may feel exhausted, disconnected, numb, or unable to settle our bodies.
In a time when so much feels out of control, how we treat our bodies while they are in distress is often something we can have some healthy control over.
What to Do in the First Days and Weeks After Betrayal
Focus on Sleep and a Regular Routine
Some people will want to sleep more than usual, but many people experience sleeplessness. It may become especially important to have a winding-down routine, such as a hot bath, a soothing book or music, nourishing caffeine-free teas, and other things that commonly provide comfort.
As much as possible, try to go to bed and get up at regular times.
Eat Nourishing Food and Stay Hydrated
Providing nourishment for your body right now is essential. Especially if you are eating less, what you are eating becomes very important.
Choose nutrient-dense foods and focus on getting enough fruits and vegetables, protein, and healthy carbohydrates. Stay hydrated. Avoid bingeing on sugar or foods that leave you feeling worse in your body.
The kind of food you eat is something you can have some healthy control over at a time when everything else feels out of control.
Use Gentle Exercise to Help Calm Your Nervous System
Now may not be the time to train for a marathon, but moving your body each day, getting outside and into the sun if possible, and making time for activities that help your nervous system wind down can be very important.
Walking, yoga, stretching, and other forms of exercise that calm you and help relieve stress can support your body during this time.
Find Safe Support After Infidelity or Betrayal
Surround yourself with very safe people, even if the number of them may be few. Sadly, it is not uncommon to hear stories of people sharing their painful experiences only to have that pain minimized, denied, or even gaslit.
If you do not have a safe person to speak with, you may want to seek a counsellor who is trained and experienced in treating betrayal trauma.
What Not to Do After Discovering Infidelity
Don’t use drugs, alcohol, or addictive behaviours to cope
Using drugs, alcohol, or potentially addictive behaviours such as shopping or gambling will not help you stabilize and risks making everything worse.
Although it may be tempting to turn to these substances or behaviours for relief, choose options that will help stabilize you and grow your strength instead. Go outside and sit beside a tree. Walk barefoot in the grass. Wrap yourself in a heavy blanket and watch a movie. Call a safe friend or family member. Get into nature as much as possible. Find soothing and nourishing teas, essential oils, or other forms of relaxation that are not addictive.
Relaxing baths, soothing music, gentle movement, and time outside are all examples of healthy ways you can help calm your nervous system.
Don’t make big decisions
Right now is not the time to make big decisions. Some people find it useful to minimize decision-making as much as possible, even relatively small decisions.
Outside of rare circumstances where immediate decisions are necessary for your safety or well-being, now is usually not the time to decide whether you will stay in or leave your relationship.
Once you are more stabilized, you will be better able to make decisions about your next steps.
Don’t overdo it
Depending on your support network, it may be helpful to let a couple of safe people know that you are struggling and need some extra help. If you can, accept practical support such as prepared meals, help with children, or assistance with everyday responsibilities.
Be cautious about who you share your experiences with at the very beginning of this journey. Not everyone provides the kind of support that is helpful. Share your experiences only with people who can hold them safely, confidentially, and supportively.
And although you may want to get back at your partner, or feel so upset that you want to tell the world what has happened, now is not the time to post about it on social media. Many people later regret sharing broadly during times of trauma.
For now, the priority is safety and stabilization. Give your mind and body time to settle. You do not have to figure everything out today.
If you take these steps and your symptoms persist, or you are not sleeping or eating properly, please see a medical provider. There may be medical interventions that can support you at this time, even if they are temporary.
If at any time you feel suicidal, it is vital that you seek emergency help.
When to Seek Professional Help for Betrayal Trauma
Many people find that supportive individual therapy can be helpful in increasing stabilization, and may be a useful step before entering group support. Much will depend on the support system you currently have and what type of additional support you need.
This is a vulnerable time, so it is important to screen potential therapists carefully and, where possible, find a trained professional who has specific experience working with betrayal trauma and partners of people who have sexually acted out.
Remember, this time is about stabilization and safety. Focus on bringing nourishment, safety, and ease into your life in whatever ways you can while so much feels out of control.